Looking for Everything but Love at the 'Never Been Kissed' Musical
Photo: Andrew Gomez
When Never Been Kissed premiered 21 years ago, it was instantly panned as "relentlessly mediocre" and "a bogus, bottom-of-the-barrel Cinderella story." Like so many women-centric films of yore, it's certified rotten on Rotten Tomatoes.
But since January, sold-out crowds have flocked to an offbeat Los Angeles dinner theater to see Never Been Kissed: The Unauthorized Musical, a low-budget adaptation of the 1999 Drew Barrymore comedy set to throwback songs like "Wonderwall," "Barbie Girl," "Let's Talk About Sex," and TikTok favorite "Break My Stride." There, in a raucous environment, cell phones, hashtagging, and general debauchery are encouraged as the actors sing and dance and recite "totally rufus" lines from the film around the audience at the Rockwell Table & Stage.
"I feel like every woman of a certain age is like, 'I know that movie. I love that movie,'" musical director Emma Hunton told me. "This show is really just a love letter. We're saying out loud what everyone's thinking when they watch the movie, but we're doing it in really bad wigs and overdone costumes."
The movie, like the musical, centers on Josie, a 25-year-old sheltered copy editor who goes undercover to report on what the youths are up to at a local high school. Entrenched among the popular girls (led by Jessica Alba) and the nerdy Denominators (Leelee Sobieski), Josie relives her own traumatic "Josie Grossy" teen memories and ultimately stops "beating her brains out" trying to impress the cool kids. She also finds true love with a teacher (Michael Vartan, more on that problematic storyline later).
Still, what would compel people to skip streaming Never Been Kissed on Disney Plus from the comfort of their couch and go see a locally produced live show—one that caters to hopeless romantics, outcasts, and frosted lipstick fans? I decided to find out.
As I walked down Vermont Avenue in L.A.'s Los Feliz neighborhood on Valentine's Day, every bar and café overflowed with starry-eyed couples and all the commercial trappings of a very commercial holiday. Heart-shaped balloons hovered over rose-petal-strewn tables set for two. The air was thick with monogamy, and the saccharine notes of "every kiss begins with Kay'' played softly on loop in my head.
Inside the Rockwell down the block, however, a different story unfolded.
A pre-show soundtrack of "MMMBop" and "Semi-Charmed Life" thumped as I perched at an as-yet empty table for four and watched the patrons file in and drinks start flowing. Almost immediately, one woman excitedly asked me if I was Molly Shannon (who does co-star in the Never Been Kissed movie, but who is also more than 20 years my senior.) The time capsule ambiance was strong.
While there were plenty of couples—young, old, straight, gay—there were just as many singletons and groups. The Bold Type star Katie Stevens came with a posse of friends to support her brother, Ryan Stevens, who made his debut performance that night as Josie's big brother, Rob (played in the film by David Arquette).
A 61-year-old theater fan named Chris sat by himself in the corner and possessed only a vague knowledge of the Never Been Kissed plot. "It just so happened that tonight was the night that Goldstar had a discounted ticket," he said. "The fact that it's Valentine's Day had nothing to do with it."
And then there was Kara, a comedian who had just finished doing the Whole 30 diet, "squeezed into" a sequined Fashion Nova dress, and strutted into the venue with a group of her equally sparkly girlfriends.
Kara (second from left) and her friends at Never Been Kissed on Valentine’s Day
"I think most people can relate to not being the hot, popular girl and thinking maybe this time it'll change," she said. "We're using this as a way to celebrate losing weight and get unabashedly decked out. We did the spray tans, got all the waxes, the eyelashes, the fake hair. We're acting like we're the hottest things ever, though let's be honest—it's L.A."
Eventually, a couple in their 30s and the man's affable, third-wheeling dad who was visiting for the weekend joined me at my table. The musical clearly served as a parent-friendly option for Valentine's Day entertainment, and the woman's name also happened to be Josie.
"When I was in middle school, this movie came out and everybody started to call me Josie Grossy," this Josie, clearly still traumatized at age 31, said. "I love this movie, but also at the same time I'm like, 'Dang it!' It gave me a nickname for the rest of my life. Somebody said it out of nowhere the other day at work."
In addition to causing pain for Josies the world over, the original film did its best to normalize an adult teacher falling for one of his students, who he believed to be 17 at the time. It might not have raised alarm bells on screen in 1999, but in 2020, it's a big problem.
"It was my main concern," director Hunton said. "You can't do it how it's written and you can't gloss over it. So, how are we going to draw attention to it and still make these people likeable?"
The solution: add a few lines to remind the audience that Josie is, in fact, 25 the whole time and have Mr. Coulson state that he's just graduated from college and it's his first year teaching. It doesn't really work and it's still creepy, but it slightly helps knowing the actors who play the roles on stage (Lana McKissack and Nathan Moore) are married in real life.
Plus, as the people I talked to explained, the main attraction to the story isn't the romance. It's the triumphant self-discovery of Josie—with or without a Mr. Coulson.
"There's still a part of everyone who feels like Josie Grossy," McKissack said. "Nobody feels entirely comfortable in their skin all the time. It's so cathartic to do the show because you look around and nobody is pointing and laughing at you in the audience. Everyone's like, 'Oh my God, this poor girl.' They're on your side."
So far, original Never Been Kissed director Raja Gosnell, co-writer Abby Kohn, and co-star Jordan Ladd have attended performances. And Hunton said Drew Barrymore, Jessica Alba, and David Arquette have all expressed interest in seeing the show before it closes at the end of March.
Up next: Hunton has toyed with ideas for a Princess Bride, Labyrinth, or gender-flipped Drop Dead Gorgeous parody. While there are no plans to take Never Been Kissed further than L.A., a previous Rockwell show, 2015's Cruel Intentions: The Complete Unauthorized Musical, eventually earned an off-Broadway run, national tour, and star-studded cast reunion.
Never Been Kissed: The Unauthorized Musical is playing Sundays through March 29 at Rockwell Table & Stage in Los Feliz. A Riverdale parody arrives in April.
